In reviewing the first bill, I was floored…aghast… rendered speechless by our son’s use of the text messaging feature. Our basic service allowed for 400 messages per month, which he alone had exceeded by 500, at an additional cost of $43.00! 900 text messages in one month--30 messages a day! “How is this physically possible?” I wondered, particularly when he was in school most of the day.
Sure that it was an error, I called our carrier and a nice young woman patiently explained to me, that yes indeed, this is how all young people communicate, that 900 messages was actually low for his age, and that every message he sent or received—no matter if it was just the word, “Hi” (which had he used the human voice or ears that God gave him would have cost nothing) counted as one message.
Assured that I was now educated about the realities of text messaging, she further assuaged my concerns by letting me in on an easy solution— we could have unlimited text messaging for just an additional $5.95 a month. At first, it seemed like a good option. I had sent a few texts to remind him or my husband of something, and found it more convenient than interrupting whatever they or I were doing. And reminders often work better in writing.
Thankfully, though, I regained my senses in time to realize that no, “unlimited” was not what I wanted. What I wanted was limits on the amount of time and money he spent. So I thanked the young woman for educating me, hung up, and started thinking about limits.
The next time you’re watching TV or glancing through a magazine or newspaper, see how often you notice advertisements touting something as being “unlimited” or having “no limits.” The “certain limitations apply” stuff is always in fine print at the bottom. Limits seem to be a thing of the past, which is why parents need to set limits for kids; culture and society will not, and even make limits out to be a bad thing.
We’ve talked about the importance of self-efficacy-- the confidence in one’s ability to do for ones’ self--as being an important part of self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-control is an important facet as well: learning how to delay gratification, to understand limits and choices, and to accept that, in the real world there are real limits about what we can do and accomplish. We are not always in total control of our destiny.
We even need to be careful about what we say in regard to our kids’ futures. To tell them repeatedly that there are no limits to what they can do with their lives, or to have dreams for them that don’t quite match the gifts they have is a way of setting them up to fail. Recent studies in self-esteem show that focusing instead on the effort our kids put into things (e.g., “You really worked hard for that B”) and the traits and gifts they seem to have (e.g., “You work well with others”) seem to be more important and in the long run, more beneficial than focusing on their person (e.g., “You’re wonderful just for being you”) or their accomplishments (e.g., “I am so proud that you scored the most points.”)
Children need limits. It is a gift we give them, whether we are getting ready to send them off to kindergarten or to college. The younger they are, the more rules and guidelines they need. As they get older, it is good to back off from the rules a bit (except when it involves their safety) and let them feel the repercussions as they begin to decide some things for themselves.
Frankly, the only unlimited thing we should give our kids is our love--as long as we understand that loving them does not mean being their friend. As long as we know loving means there are limits.
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