"I DO IT MYSELF!"

There are five and a half years between my son and my daughter. We are blessed in that they are very close, but when my daughter was young, her brother had a tendency (as lots of big brothers do) to take over, to do things for her, or at least try to show her how things should be done. I remember one situation distinctly when my daughter was not yet three. Big brother stepped in to take over and my daughter locked her jaw and through clenched teeth said, "I DO IT MYSELF!"  She is still that independent now.

We often hear about the "terrible twos" or the "terrible teens" when our children try to wrest control of at least some aspects of their lives. This drive for independence is a very important part of their development. It is called the need for "self  efficacy"--the belief one is capable of doing for one's self--and this, along with self control and having the ability to bounce back from hardship or failure--called "resiliency"--are critical aspects of raising mentally healthy kids.

From a developmental psychology perspective, experts rely on the work of Erik Erikson who presented a model for psychosocial development in the 1950's that has stood the test of time.  In a nutshell, Erikson postulates that we go through developmental stages all our lives, from birth to death, and that it is important that we resolve the developmental "crises" that occur in each stage in order to fully move forward.

This a huge topic, but to narrow it down to this discussion, when our children are young--say 18 months to 3 or 4 years old, a stage Erikson calls "Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt," it is important for them to have the opportunity to do things for themselves and to make some decisions for themselves. If we squelch independence at this age, some kids will either take that as a sign they are incapable or they will begin to assume that everything  will be done for them.  In our busy world, with both parents working and on the go, it just seems easier to do things for our kids (read velcro or no-lace tennis shoes) than to take the time to allow them to fumble and fail. Do this too much, though and you may wind up with a teenager who is unsure of him or herself, or who is perhaps deemed lazy, expecting everything to be done for them. In that regard, parenting is a "Rob Peter to pay Paul" proposition.

So how do you deal with this?  Find opportunities to allow your young child to make their own decisions. Have them pick out their clothes to wear the night before. Divide toys into a few different bags or boxes and left them pick which one they want to play with. With older kids, figure out those things in your relationship with your child that you can let go of, and let them decide.

Doing this early will help develop a feeling that they "CAN DO IT MYSELF"--not with a clenched jaw, but with confident assurance.