In 2013, I Resolve "To Don't"

I stopped making New Year's resolutions years ago.  By mid-January, I always felt like a failure since most of the resolutions had gone by the wayside.  But in recent years, I have been coming up with a "To don't" list (as opposed to a "to do" list) as a means for me to jettison activities that no longer bear fruit.

Now, most self-help books will tell you to put things in positive terms, e.g., "I will take better care of myself" as opposed to "I will never eat anything fattening ever again!"  This is NOT what I am talking about.

I am suggesting that this last week before the new year, we reassess the things that take our time and energy to see if there are some activities or obligations that we can take off the list altogether. We get into the habit of saying "yes" to so many requests that we don't have time for our families, much less ourselves.

Now for some, this might seem like an impossible task. You may believe there is absolutely nothing you can take off the list. That's how I felt too. But what I came to find (and still find) is that a lot of what I believe I "have to do" has more to do with my need for control than real necessity. People become so used to thinking..."Oh, she'll take care of that," or "He always does this" that we get stuck in a pattern of being the "go-to" guy or gal.

Challenge yourself over the next few days to think about how you spend your time. If you don't know, make a conscious effort to pay attention and keep a daily record for a day or two. Most of us don't have the luxury of letting go of much, but the things you choose to do should be things that feed your soul.

Stand in front of a mirror and get into a new habit: saying that tiny little word, "no." The more you say it, the easier it becomes!

Turning Back Our Hearts

In my religious tradition, we celebrate the season of Advent prior to Christmas. It is meant to be a time of waiting and of hope. I also write daily reflections for Advent. I want to share one with you that I think has a good message for this season so fraught with commercialism that we in the US can't even take one day to be thankful for our blessings! (I am speaking of course of stores being open on Thanksgiving Day.)
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 "You are destined…to turn back the hearts of parents toward their children."
(This quote comes from the Old Testament book, the Wisdom of Ben Sira. Ben Sira was a rabbi who lived in the first century, BCE, and the quote is referring to the return of the prophet Elijah.)

There’s a Native American philosophy called seventh generation planning. When one is making decisions that affect the community, he or she must take into account the impact seven generations hence. According to the Natural Resources Conservation Service’s website, “Seventh generation (planning) requires each generation to be fair and humble. Fairness means not imposing risks on future generations that we ourselves would not accept. Humility means that we would consider the quality of life of future generations as important as our quality of life.”

The words we hear today— “you are destined to turn back the hearts of parents toward their children”— are words for the future and of hope. Seventh generation planning is a philosophy of hope. But it can seem like our immediate gratification culture belies our vision of hope. We are so focused on the short-term (granted, at times out of necessity) we fail to consider our own futures much less those of the generations to come.

Today’s Provision—The Long View: Let's take the long view for a change. Let's look beyond our own lives to see how our living impacts our children’s children's children, and our planet. It is a constant, conscious balance: living in the sacrament of the present moment and taking a view of the future through lenses of hope. Pray today for a clearer vision of how you can make tomorrow better for everyone.
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Having just come through the elections in the US, one can't help but feel jaded about the opportunistic rhetoric and impossible promises candidates offer as a means to get into office. In the US and in many other countries, it seems many adults are unwilling to make the compromises and sacrifices necessary to ensure that future generations have a reasonable standard of living and adequate natural resources. 

In this season when we (and our kids) are barraged with rampant, almost wanton materialism, think about having conversations as a family about what we mean by "need" and "want." Most little kids can't distinguish between the two and will never learn if we rely on advertisers to teach them. If your kids are a bit older, look at some ads with them and ask them to identify strategies the retailer is using to create a sense of need for their product. This is a good way to teach critical, analytical thinking.

And for those of you just starting out with babies or toddlers, take a word from the wise. If you celebrate a big holiday this season (or any season, or a birthday for that matter), you are casting the die if you think you need lots of wrapped gifts! Their attention span won't hold and you are setting quantity expectations for future holidays when their needs and wants usually cost more. (Been there, done that.)

As always, I send you and your children blessings. If this is a holiday season for you, try to relax and enjoy it a bit, okay? Remember, the gift of your time will be, in the future, the one most cherished and remembered.

Pardon the Interruption

Well, so much for trying to write something for my blog every two weeks! To play on an old phrase:  “The road to hell-- or anywhere else, for that matter-- is paved with good …interruptions.”

The past winter and spring have been busy with all sorts of wonderful and enriching ministry work—writing, running retreats and parenting workshops, including a new outreach to young moms on temporary cash assistance (from whom I am learning so much about parenting in the face of poverty and homelessness). But a lot of my time has been spent caring for my 88-year old mom (from whom most of my real-life parenting wisdom comes) and for my own kids who are both at transition points:  my daughter starting the college search and my son graduating from college (and coming back home to live!), and figuring out the rest of his life.  

It’s been a good reminder for me to practice what I preach, to make sure I don’t forget that my most important ministry is to care for those closest to me. We sometimes take for granted, or worse, discount the importance of the work we do at home. I remember the advice of a woman from church when I was arranging to have my son baptized. I made the comment that I felt such a need to give back for all that had been given to me. Her response:  “Raise your son to be a good, moral, caring young man. That is how you are to give back right now.” 

The late Henri Nouwen once told this story:   “A few years ago I met an old professor at the University of Notre Dame. Looking back on his long life of teaching, he said with a funny twinkle in his eyes: ‘I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted, until I slowly discovered that my interruptions were my work.’”

Good advice for those of us caring for kids, aging or ill family members, or both.

Take Time to Smell the "Flour"

The other day, I was making some stew. Over the holidays, I had purchased a type of flour that blends easily in gravy and limits lumpiness, so I decided to thicken the stew with it as well.  As I stood there stirring the pot, I burst out laughing when I read the marketing copy on the side of the can.  It said: “(this) Flour is the quick and easy flour for today’s lifestyles.”

REALLY?  It has gotten so bad that we now need a special flour to fit our busy lives?

Now, I am not criticizing the product at all--it’s actually quite good.  But it is so interesting—sad, I guess—that someone thought to promote the product through the lens of saving us the milliseconds it takes between using regular flour and this ultra fine blend.

I had a teacher in grade school who used to say, “I feel sorry for you kids—you have instant mashed potatoes and frozen orange juice. You don’t have to work or wait for good things.” I wonder what she would say now?  We live in a world of instant gratification. My kids have immediate access to information for school that would have taken me months to compile. We are connected to the whole planet at the touch of a button.

Which is why it’s so important that we teach our kids--and remind ourselves--that the good things in life, the things that really matter—true love and  friendship, real knowledge, discernment, and wisdom— all take time, patience, and often struggle and pain (and a few lumps, I guess!) to grow and bear fruit. Patience is truly a virtue we need now more than ever.

I am reminded of a favorite prayer by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ, which I share with you now. 

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
     We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
     We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
     by passing through some stages of instability and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.

Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
      Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on as though you could be today what time -- that is to say, grace –
     and circumstances  acting on your own good will will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new Spirit gradually forming in you will be.
     Give our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,
        and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God, our loving vine-dresser.  Amen.