The Blessings of Limitations

About six years ago--which in “techno-years” might as well be a century--we purchased our then 16-year old son his first cell phone. That was in the olden days, before everyone seven and older had one.

In reviewing the first bill, I was floored…aghast… rendered speechless by our son’s use of the text messaging feature. Our basic service allowed for 400 messages per month, which he alone had exceeded by 500, at an additional cost of $43.00! 900 text messages in one month--30 messages a day! “How is this physically possible?” I wondered, particularly when he was in school most of the day.

Sure that it was an error, I called our carrier and a nice young woman patiently explained to me, that yes indeed, this is how all young people communicate, that 900 messages was actually low for his age, and that every message he sent or received—no matter if it was just the word, “Hi” (which had he used the human voice or ears that God gave him would have cost nothing) counted as one message.

Assured that I was now educated about the realities of text messaging, she further assuaged my concerns by letting me in on an easy solution— we could have unlimited text messaging for just an additional $5.95 a month. At first, it seemed like a good option. I had sent a few texts to remind him or my husband of something, and found it more convenient than interrupting whatever they or I were doing.  And reminders often work better in writing.

Thankfully, though, I regained my senses in time to realize that no, “unlimited” was not what I wanted. What I wanted was limits on the amount of time and money he spent. So I thanked the young woman for educating me, hung up, and started thinking about limits.

The next time you’re watching TV or glancing through a magazine or newspaper, see how often you notice advertisements touting something as being “unlimited” or having “no limits.” The “certain limitations apply” stuff is always in fine print at the bottom. Limits seem to be a thing of the past, which is why parents need to set limits for kids; culture and society will not, and even make limits out to be a bad thing.

We’ve talked about the importance of self-efficacy-- the confidence in one’s ability to do for ones’ self--as being an important part of self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-control is an important facet as well: learning how to delay gratification, to understand limits and choices, and to accept that, in the real world there are real limits about what we can do and accomplish.  We are not always in total control of our destiny.

We even need to be careful about what we say in regard to our kids’ futures. To tell them repeatedly that there are no limits to what they can do with their lives, or to have dreams for them that don’t quite match the gifts they have is a way of setting them up to fail. Recent studies in self-esteem show that focusing instead on the effort our kids put into things (e.g., “You really worked hard for that B”) and the traits and gifts they seem to have (e.g., “You work well with others”) seem to be more important and in the long run, more beneficial than focusing on their person (e.g., “You’re wonderful just for being you”) or their accomplishments (e.g., “I am so proud that you scored the most points.”)

Children need limits. It is a gift we give them, whether we are getting ready to send them off to kindergarten or to college. The younger they are, the more rules and guidelines they need.  As they get older, it is good to back off from the rules a bit (except when it involves their safety) and let them feel the repercussions as they begin to decide some things for themselves. 

Frankly, the only unlimited thing we should give our kids is our love--as long as we understand that loving them does not mean being their friend. As long as we know loving means there are limits.

"I DO IT MYSELF!"

There are five and a half years between my son and my daughter. We are blessed in that they are very close, but when my daughter was young, her brother had a tendency (as lots of big brothers do) to take over, to do things for her, or at least try to show her how things should be done. I remember one situation distinctly when my daughter was not yet three. Big brother stepped in to take over and my daughter locked her jaw and through clenched teeth said, "I DO IT MYSELF!"  She is still that independent now.

We often hear about the "terrible twos" or the "terrible teens" when our children try to wrest control of at least some aspects of their lives. This drive for independence is a very important part of their development. It is called the need for "self  efficacy"--the belief one is capable of doing for one's self--and this, along with self control and having the ability to bounce back from hardship or failure--called "resiliency"--are critical aspects of raising mentally healthy kids.

From a developmental psychology perspective, experts rely on the work of Erik Erikson who presented a model for psychosocial development in the 1950's that has stood the test of time.  In a nutshell, Erikson postulates that we go through developmental stages all our lives, from birth to death, and that it is important that we resolve the developmental "crises" that occur in each stage in order to fully move forward.

This a huge topic, but to narrow it down to this discussion, when our children are young--say 18 months to 3 or 4 years old, a stage Erikson calls "Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt," it is important for them to have the opportunity to do things for themselves and to make some decisions for themselves. If we squelch independence at this age, some kids will either take that as a sign they are incapable or they will begin to assume that everything  will be done for them.  In our busy world, with both parents working and on the go, it just seems easier to do things for our kids (read velcro or no-lace tennis shoes) than to take the time to allow them to fumble and fail. Do this too much, though and you may wind up with a teenager who is unsure of him or herself, or who is perhaps deemed lazy, expecting everything to be done for them. In that regard, parenting is a "Rob Peter to pay Paul" proposition.

So how do you deal with this?  Find opportunities to allow your young child to make their own decisions. Have them pick out their clothes to wear the night before. Divide toys into a few different bags or boxes and left them pick which one they want to play with. With older kids, figure out those things in your relationship with your child that you can let go of, and let them decide.

Doing this early will help develop a feeling that they "CAN DO IT MYSELF"--not with a clenched jaw, but with confident assurance.

Abraham to God: “You want me to do WHAT?”

Actually, there are several situations depicted in the Book of Genesis that could have elicited this response from Abraham.


First, God tells him to leave the land of his family to set out for a land he does not know. Abram, now Abraham, does as God tells him. Then, in an even more dramatic show of faith, he accepts God’s instruction on circumcision as a sign of the covenant. But the situation I am thinking of is God’s instruction that he sacrifice his son Isaac to show God the depth of his faith. For me, this story can shed some light on what God expects of us as parents. Let me explain.


As animals, we are biologically predisposed to procreate, to “be fruitful and multiply.” As mammals, we are also programmed to nurture our young, so that they can learn to love, move on, procreate, and thereby continue the species. As far as we know, unlike our mammalian counterparts, however, human beings are gifted (or is it cursed?) with an ego, a self-centeredness that also needs to be fed and nurtured. For the most blessed among us, that ego is sustained by faith and trust in the Divine and by a sense of our uniqueness in the eyes of God.


For most of us, though, the ego within needs to be fed from the outside—through our intellect, our achievements, our possessions, our reputations. And what could be more personal an achievement, more important a “possession” than our own flesh and blood? Even if we are not biological parents, the emotional and psychological bonds with our children create a connection that rivals genetics. It is no wonder that so many of us, used to having everything our way, with our fragile egos so closely bound to things of this world, are so wrapped up in our children and their lives, and often find it hard to let them go.


In the tradition of Jungian archetypes, we look to the story of Abraham and Isaac as a depiction of what God intends for us in our role as parents. At first, God speaks loud and clear to Abraham’s human need for ego gratification and his desire for immortality when he says, “I will make of you a great nation” (Gen 12:2, NAB) and “Look up at the sky and count the stars…just so shall your descendants be” (Gen 15:5). He gives him a son to carry on his lineage and care for him in his ever-advancing years.

Then, just when the boy Isaac is coming of age, God speaks again to Abraham, instructing him to now sacrifice this most treasured gift, his link to immortality. Of course, we know the story has a happy ending in that Isaac does not meet his.


While God has not, to my knowledge, asked any other human being to offer his or her offspring as holocaust, God does expect us to sacrifice the ego gratification we derive from our children for our children, to let them go off on their own path, to make their own lives, separate and distinct from ours. It takes a strong sense of self, which, in my view, needs to be based on an even stronger faith to do this effectively, without wounding ourselves or our children in the process.

No, this Blog has Nothing to do with Raising Sheep

If you look up the word "pastoral" on dictionary.com, you'll find that most of the definitions have to do with rural scenes; in fact, some synonyms listed are: "simple, bucolic, idyllic..."   hmmm, while parenting can be one of the most rewarding and joyful adventures in life, simple and bucolic are not adjectives I would ever use to describe it! In this sense of the word, pastoral parenting is something of an oxymoron.

No, of course, pastoral in this case refers to the role of the pastor, the shepherd.  It is a way of looking at parenting as ministry.  What do I mean by parenting as ministry? The word “minister” comes from the Latin. It means “servant.” As I write this, I am rolling my eyes—“don’t I know it!” I have spent several years shuttling kids back and forth to school, music lessons and sports practices, running to the craft store to get supplies, doing laundry, mending tears in pants and in egos. Being a parent-servant, however, does not mean being subservient. We are not talking here about being the cook, the chauffeur, or the maid. It does mean that we look to put our children’s needs first, understanding that when we refer to needs, we are not talking about their need to be somewhere on time and in the right clothes. We are talking about their psychological, spiritual, and emotional needs, which might mean that we say "no" much more often than we do now. In fact, by being the type of “servant” most of us are today, we may actually be doing our children more harm than good.

In the coming weeks, I will be elaborating on this topic, relying on my thesis, "Pastoral Parenting:  A Change in Route" which was published in January 2008, under my copyright. I really want your feedback, as I hope to develop a book soon based on my work (it takes me awhile to get going on things--too busy parenting, I guess!).  Blessings from Elaine

The Epiphany of the Mismatched Sock Bag

Sometimes, the mysteries of our world just astound me...the beauty of nature, the headiness of being in love, the fact that a family of four, one of whom is away at college most of the year, can have more socks in the mismatched sock bag than matched socks in the drawer! I am learning that wearing  matched socks is "so twentieth century."  "Nobody wears matched socks anymore."

This has become a bit of an obsession of mine--where are all those darned (pun intended) socks?  I want to point out that of the sixty or so mismatched socks in the bag, only two belong to me.  I seem to be able to keep my socks in order, immune to the gremlins that apparently abscond with my husband's, son's, and daughter's on a regular basis. I've often thought about having a community sock swap to see if they have somehow wound up in neighbors' houses.

I began to understand that this whole sock thing, like so many things in life, has to do with expectations. Parenting is filled with expectations. Some expectations are essential to enable our kids to grow up to be law- abiding citizens who share and have good hygiene and clean rooms.  But many of our expectations really boil down to our preferences and can be a great source of tension in a household if we don't see them for what they are. 

Now I'm not saying that we, as parents, should throw up our hands and give up. But I do think, particularly as our children move into their teen years, that we need to really consider what is essential and what we can let go. It's also good to let them know that we are letting go. In the negotiation that is raising a teen, it is important to have chits we can cash in ("remember, I stopped nagging you about the socks...")

Now, of course, there is an easy solution to this sock predicament--just buy all the same socks and forget about it.  But, let me share with you my epiphany: I was in the storage room a while back and moved some things and Voila!--there sat several of my daughter's socks smooshed under the boxes. I was so pleased that at least some of the mystery had come to light, and took great pleasure in reuniting these socks with their mates and returning them to the sock drawers from whence they came! 

Now really, my life isn't that boring, but it's good to remember that changing your expectations and looking at things differently can be the difference between being frustrated and having fun.  Think about it.

First post (my version of a disclaimer!)

I must admit I am bit a loath to be doing this blog thing. It seems kind of narcisstic. I am reminded of the title of David Brinkley's autobiography, "Everyone is Entitled to My Opinion."  I have had this blog title for over a year now, and I really do hope it can create community and a place for people to share ideas and encouragement.  Please be patient as I stumble through this (as I am with Facebook now too!)  I am not sure I am the target audience for this type of technology!