The Blessings of Limitations

About six years ago--which in “techno-years” might as well be a century--we purchased our then 16-year old son his first cell phone. That was in the olden days, before everyone seven and older had one.

In reviewing the first bill, I was floored…aghast… rendered speechless by our son’s use of the text messaging feature. Our basic service allowed for 400 messages per month, which he alone had exceeded by 500, at an additional cost of $43.00! 900 text messages in one month--30 messages a day! “How is this physically possible?” I wondered, particularly when he was in school most of the day.

Sure that it was an error, I called our carrier and a nice young woman patiently explained to me, that yes indeed, this is how all young people communicate, that 900 messages was actually low for his age, and that every message he sent or received—no matter if it was just the word, “Hi” (which had he used the human voice or ears that God gave him would have cost nothing) counted as one message.

Assured that I was now educated about the realities of text messaging, she further assuaged my concerns by letting me in on an easy solution— we could have unlimited text messaging for just an additional $5.95 a month. At first, it seemed like a good option. I had sent a few texts to remind him or my husband of something, and found it more convenient than interrupting whatever they or I were doing.  And reminders often work better in writing.

Thankfully, though, I regained my senses in time to realize that no, “unlimited” was not what I wanted. What I wanted was limits on the amount of time and money he spent. So I thanked the young woman for educating me, hung up, and started thinking about limits.

The next time you’re watching TV or glancing through a magazine or newspaper, see how often you notice advertisements touting something as being “unlimited” or having “no limits.” The “certain limitations apply” stuff is always in fine print at the bottom. Limits seem to be a thing of the past, which is why parents need to set limits for kids; culture and society will not, and even make limits out to be a bad thing.

We’ve talked about the importance of self-efficacy-- the confidence in one’s ability to do for ones’ self--as being an important part of self-confidence and self-esteem. Self-control is an important facet as well: learning how to delay gratification, to understand limits and choices, and to accept that, in the real world there are real limits about what we can do and accomplish.  We are not always in total control of our destiny.

We even need to be careful about what we say in regard to our kids’ futures. To tell them repeatedly that there are no limits to what they can do with their lives, or to have dreams for them that don’t quite match the gifts they have is a way of setting them up to fail. Recent studies in self-esteem show that focusing instead on the effort our kids put into things (e.g., “You really worked hard for that B”) and the traits and gifts they seem to have (e.g., “You work well with others”) seem to be more important and in the long run, more beneficial than focusing on their person (e.g., “You’re wonderful just for being you”) or their accomplishments (e.g., “I am so proud that you scored the most points.”)

Children need limits. It is a gift we give them, whether we are getting ready to send them off to kindergarten or to college. The younger they are, the more rules and guidelines they need.  As they get older, it is good to back off from the rules a bit (except when it involves their safety) and let them feel the repercussions as they begin to decide some things for themselves. 

Frankly, the only unlimited thing we should give our kids is our love--as long as we understand that loving them does not mean being their friend. As long as we know loving means there are limits.

"I DO IT MYSELF!"

There are five and a half years between my son and my daughter. We are blessed in that they are very close, but when my daughter was young, her brother had a tendency (as lots of big brothers do) to take over, to do things for her, or at least try to show her how things should be done. I remember one situation distinctly when my daughter was not yet three. Big brother stepped in to take over and my daughter locked her jaw and through clenched teeth said, "I DO IT MYSELF!"  She is still that independent now.

We often hear about the "terrible twos" or the "terrible teens" when our children try to wrest control of at least some aspects of their lives. This drive for independence is a very important part of their development. It is called the need for "self  efficacy"--the belief one is capable of doing for one's self--and this, along with self control and having the ability to bounce back from hardship or failure--called "resiliency"--are critical aspects of raising mentally healthy kids.

From a developmental psychology perspective, experts rely on the work of Erik Erikson who presented a model for psychosocial development in the 1950's that has stood the test of time.  In a nutshell, Erikson postulates that we go through developmental stages all our lives, from birth to death, and that it is important that we resolve the developmental "crises" that occur in each stage in order to fully move forward.

This a huge topic, but to narrow it down to this discussion, when our children are young--say 18 months to 3 or 4 years old, a stage Erikson calls "Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt," it is important for them to have the opportunity to do things for themselves and to make some decisions for themselves. If we squelch independence at this age, some kids will either take that as a sign they are incapable or they will begin to assume that everything  will be done for them.  In our busy world, with both parents working and on the go, it just seems easier to do things for our kids (read velcro or no-lace tennis shoes) than to take the time to allow them to fumble and fail. Do this too much, though and you may wind up with a teenager who is unsure of him or herself, or who is perhaps deemed lazy, expecting everything to be done for them. In that regard, parenting is a "Rob Peter to pay Paul" proposition.

So how do you deal with this?  Find opportunities to allow your young child to make their own decisions. Have them pick out their clothes to wear the night before. Divide toys into a few different bags or boxes and left them pick which one they want to play with. With older kids, figure out those things in your relationship with your child that you can let go of, and let them decide.

Doing this early will help develop a feeling that they "CAN DO IT MYSELF"--not with a clenched jaw, but with confident assurance.

Abraham to God: “You want me to do WHAT?”

Actually, there are several situations depicted in the Book of Genesis that could have elicited this response from Abraham.


First, God tells him to leave the land of his family to set out for a land he does not know. Abram, now Abraham, does as God tells him. Then, in an even more dramatic show of faith, he accepts God’s instruction on circumcision as a sign of the covenant. But the situation I am thinking of is God’s instruction that he sacrifice his son Isaac to show God the depth of his faith. For me, this story can shed some light on what God expects of us as parents. Let me explain.


As animals, we are biologically predisposed to procreate, to “be fruitful and multiply.” As mammals, we are also programmed to nurture our young, so that they can learn to love, move on, procreate, and thereby continue the species. As far as we know, unlike our mammalian counterparts, however, human beings are gifted (or is it cursed?) with an ego, a self-centeredness that also needs to be fed and nurtured. For the most blessed among us, that ego is sustained by faith and trust in the Divine and by a sense of our uniqueness in the eyes of God.


For most of us, though, the ego within needs to be fed from the outside—through our intellect, our achievements, our possessions, our reputations. And what could be more personal an achievement, more important a “possession” than our own flesh and blood? Even if we are not biological parents, the emotional and psychological bonds with our children create a connection that rivals genetics. It is no wonder that so many of us, used to having everything our way, with our fragile egos so closely bound to things of this world, are so wrapped up in our children and their lives, and often find it hard to let them go.


In the tradition of Jungian archetypes, we look to the story of Abraham and Isaac as a depiction of what God intends for us in our role as parents. At first, God speaks loud and clear to Abraham’s human need for ego gratification and his desire for immortality when he says, “I will make of you a great nation” (Gen 12:2, NAB) and “Look up at the sky and count the stars…just so shall your descendants be” (Gen 15:5). He gives him a son to carry on his lineage and care for him in his ever-advancing years.

Then, just when the boy Isaac is coming of age, God speaks again to Abraham, instructing him to now sacrifice this most treasured gift, his link to immortality. Of course, we know the story has a happy ending in that Isaac does not meet his.


While God has not, to my knowledge, asked any other human being to offer his or her offspring as holocaust, God does expect us to sacrifice the ego gratification we derive from our children for our children, to let them go off on their own path, to make their own lives, separate and distinct from ours. It takes a strong sense of self, which, in my view, needs to be based on an even stronger faith to do this effectively, without wounding ourselves or our children in the process.